Desperation

Does anyone ever feel sheer desperation? I do. I have been fighting this disease, trying to get it into remission for two years now. I am tired. I am so tired of fighting, struggling, being sick, being weak. If the disease doesn't make you sick, the meds will. I want to be normal again so desperately, but I don't know where to start. I tell myself if it mind over matter, but as soon as I push myself to do what mind is saying needs done, I end up sick and in bed. Sometimes I think God is punishing me for things I have done wrong in my life. I am a devout Catholic girl, so compared to others, my wrong doings are slim. I want to scream and cry most of the time. But I cover it up by joking around with everyone. If I keep smiling, then no one knows I am dieing on the inside...............