Summer's End

Well, Summer's end is drawing near and I am not even close to the shape I thought I thought I would be in. It was a bad summer for me where the Lupus is concerned. It was too cold at he beginning of the summer to get into the pool. Well, maybe not to cold outside, but too cold in the pool. Water wouldn't warm up. Then it was too hot to walk to the pool and the water was too hot from high temps and no rain. Needless to say, I got no water therapy this summer. I usually spend all summer in the pool working my butt off to get back what I lost over the winter. I hate to see what this winter like. am already starting off at the bottom instead of the top. (My physical scale. Scale I use to measure how well I am doing physically and health-wise.) I have to go back to he secialist next week and really do not want to. He is not ging to be happy. I know he is ging to want to start physical therapy and just can not afford it. I am at a point where just want to give up and let the powers that be have their way. every so often get in my head that maybe I need all these meds and all this crap to survive. I KNOW I do. I am not stupid. Call it wishful thinking, call it fatigue with the stuation in general,  call it stubbornness. I don't know. You get tred o living like this. Sometimes you think maybe it's mind over matter. That if you just think hard enough that you are fine, that you will be. Granted, none of this seems really logically when you look at it from  "normal" perspective, but these are the thoughts that run through someone's head who has a chronic illness. Anyway, a just really bummed that the summer ending and I am not in a better place physically. (FYI...Lupus and RA DOES affect you physically!!) Now that summer is almost over, I have to come up with a new plan of action. Wish me luck!!!